There is a saying,
And this is how it goes,
That If you love someone-
you have to let them go.
I learnt these truthful words,
Though Years apart in events,
My heart now somewhat,
I saw my father cry,
No not just a cry,
I would call it more a sob.
Well he sobbed,
And sobbed a little more,
At this stage in my life,
I’d never seen a grown man sob before.
His face was all red,
His body shivered,
Somehow and thankfully,
In one piece,
But with him,
Not a look.
Not of joy,
And it scared me Quite so.
Through his tears,
Underneath his sweat,
And shortness of his breath,
I found my father,
As he wept and wept.
I learnt those words then,
Words I’ll never forget.
He Said them,
With pure emotion,
But with no regret.
If you love someone,
You have to set them,
I didn’t realise then,
That what he was saying,
Was spoken from within.
Now that I have met you.
I realise that this saying,
I’m now Directing,
Specifically at you.
Not an entirely happy conclusion,
Not how I though it might end,
Not something I say lightly,
To a man who is my best friend.
Though I love you,
Through every inch of my body,
And every part of my soul,
I have to start with a new goal.
I watched my father cry,
And with every sob I saw,
Toughness in man,
Slowly became nothing more.
But the boy he once was,
The part that gets covered,
Through being a dad.
And supporting a lover,
One that I call,
So I brought him a wet flannel,
Rubbed his back to sooth his soul,
Through his tremors and his tears,
I saw him crumble,
From all this unknown.
And so with him I too sobbed.
While Not knowing his reasonings,
Nor his pain,
Why this day,
Had to be the day,
Nor weather the dark clouds,
Had consumed his bright sky.
But I sat there to support,
A grown man needing to cry.
I now say to you,
As tear runs after tear,
That now my love,
This is nothing to fear.
Because I have known you,
I am only but richer,
And I want to say thank you,
For letting me be apart,
Of your picture.
But to love you full heartily,
Is for me to set you free,
It’s for you to run,
With everything that you are,
Amongst into the setting sun.
I send with you best wishes,
For all good to come to you.
But Before you go,
just one more kiss,
I love you.
A fetching feeling that arises from within,
I did not dig for it but yes, I grin.
Finally I know that thing you have known,
About our worlds and how we’ve grown.
Though your prints are etched into my skin,
My heart now wonders- let it all begin.
Thoughts when drifting do travel back to you,
But only flowers of hope because that dear we blew.
Now Evocative eyes catch me with their sin,
And Murmurous voices echo like tin.
Becoming people, present with out fear,
Those Tender souls are not very clear.
Still the need to be brutal and thin,
Only then does everyone win.
Bathtubs of greed, pleasure and pain,
This epiphany is not all about the gain.
Yet that decision alone brings it out of the bin,
I swear if you listen you’ll hear that pin,
Drop like its heavy,
Silence is cruel,
Expressions of love don’t belong in school.
Sometimes I wish I had a Twin,
Then I’d have rules and games that I could spin.
Look down on me if you will,
Those Promiscuous promises will make you ill.
Seldom as it is I can lift my chin,
Knowing that I may be next in kin.
Today I am me and that is enough,
I’ve reached this epiphany without hough.
Its mine to keep, mould and play
All I can do now is live for each day.
My insides shiver, shake and vibrate with feelings for some un wanted hate.
I haven't written in while,
Not since you've been truly gone.
This isn't about you,
It's about me wanting to belong,
I'm lonely but wanting to be free,
Needing something……. help to challenge me
My head spaces changes and it slips into focus,
Skips out again listening to the stupid hocus pocus.
The venom they feed you, is drawn from their lips
and it seems that everyone is scared for just a kiss?
Jittery company makes me stable.
It's a balancing act to let you know I'm capable.
Have to keep going and going,
Can't stop, because if I do,
I'm worried I go crawling back.
Just like I use to.
There will come a day
When it will all make sense
When the days will have long past
All the brutal important tests
The sun will shine
Through your curtains of damp
To break the tiny threads
That slowly shed from your scalp
You're trying to count your age
but keep running into time.
Slowly ticks the clock,
It’s an undesirable crime.
Little by little the voices start,
Screams echo in your ear,
With a frightful gasp,
I dare you I dare.
Take what you want
It's easier that way
The brave have cold hearts
But Yours is locked away.
To be living and loving everyday
Requires determination and to believe it so.
Don't get stuck counting your forgotten numbers
That path doesn't let you grow.
I find myself in some odd places,
At odds times,
On odd days.
I never feel fearful or secure while in these fairly odd ways.
My life it is not simple,
Or very sane
And I work in unruly ways with a temper calm at bay.
While the glow from the city is smearing the sky,
This distance is what I need.
Here’s this odd place with an odd taste,
A very surreal scene.
Why I go to find these odd places,
I’m not sure of yet.
The unknowing of what might come next?
I can not tell you why I am the way I am,
For me I do not need to know.
Just understand that it’s an odd day today,
Now breath and let it go.
“Maybe ill tidy”
There’s sand in my car, I don’t care that it’s there.
There’s dust in my room, floating around creating gloom.
There’s cobwebs attached to all of my hats,
And I have no will to clean them.
Your pain may be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Overwhelmingly confused by the intensity in which it burrows into itself and the shift as it rushes its way under your eyes.
To know that its momentarily taken a hold and has blocked all the exits.
I don’t mean to stare,
I don’t mean to sigh so deeply that it frustrates all the atoms under your skin.
Im trying not to judge the judgements that are making there way through your mind
nor the lies you seem to tell yourself.
I find it beautiful.
Although at times the beauty is merely the pain bursting through both of us,
its beauty that I get to be filled with,
that I get to be a part of.
I understand that this isn’t a physical aesthetic of the word,
I understand that I’m viewing it from rose tinted shades,
that the internal consumed sensation you fight with is not one I can physically feel.
I image little workers fighting off drops of acid rain and watch them running for cover,
only to commence their work again once the down pour has subsided.
They work wearily watching the blooming clouds in the distances,
knowing that when the wind changes they will fight again.
It’s the most beautiful thing to see.
Your space doesn’t hold you but the limitations you perceive will,
Bundles of candle wax not allowed to be spilt on the floor,
just in case its not quite right,
just in case someone might see,
might over-hear or look suspiciously.
The nervous movement and steps taken to make it all fit right will seem selfish,
so we conspire through the mouth and throw arguments of doubt.
The fierceness and strength that also sits behind those eyes says the Chaos will dissolve.
We’ve been typing in calibrated numbers to only get the same result,
I fear we have managed to achieve a default.
A place that doesn’t have a home,
but a place that desires to be welcomed.
I need not be friendly.
I don’t have to be its friend.
I need only sit a watch you.
I’m not the one playing pretend.
His place that has become me,
Is allowing me to be free.
Your pain may be the most beautiful thing that I’ve ever seen.